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How To Offend Nearly Everyone


I was a Hebrew School drop-out
I never made the grade.
I liked the way God spoke to Moses,
But His prolonged silence began to bug me.
Never doubting for a moment that I
Spacewas one of His chosen people,
I decided to go investigate exactly what
SpaceHe chose me for.


And the the Christians told me
Alas, that I was wrong:
For Christ was speaking to me,
And I should string along.


So I got dunked, and dipped and sprinkled
And went my merry way
Convinced that since I'd found Him
He would return some day.


All the billboards told me
It would happen any day,
And the preacher preached his message
That God was on His way--
And we had better be good and better be nice
Cause He's making a list and checking it twice.


And then a strange thing happened--
God really spoke to me,
And said that He had come again
If I had eyes to see.


He said that all I have to do
Is learn a way to be
A humble servant of His Lord,
And live in unity.


It was so clear and simple--
A gift for all mankind:
To live in peace and brotherhood--
A truth that all must find.


So I ran to tell the Rabbi
The truth that I had found:
The Lord of Hosts had come
And we were homeward bound.


The Rabbi sadly shook his head
And said my mind was in a deep fog,
For God could only speak
On Saturdays in his Synagogue.


I quickly saw a Priest
And told him what I'd found and thought--
He crossed himself and told me
The God was a Communist plot,
And that God would speak to those who search
On Sundays in his sanctified church.


And every where I went
They sang the same old song:
That if God spoke of love and peace,
Certainly I'd heard wrong.


And everyone I spoke to
Seemed to basically agree
That truth was only truth
Within their monopoly.


And they alone could give man
All that he could possibly need
By adding two cups of water
To an instant religious creed.


And they would be glad to provide this
Most any day at noon,
Along with an awesome warning
That God was coming soon.

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